With the speed of information flow, some of these decisions get lost in the cracks and never get decided upon. Or, there comes a time when a set of circumstances forces an instant decision. As in the case of my computer, Outlook to be specific.  It began a few weeks ago with a minor problem in the inbox. I ignored it and kept on working. After several days, I discovered I couldn’t sort the inbox. Just a small nuisance and for the moment I worked around that. It did start to hinder my time spent searching for files. The next day, I was working with a client and discovered with horror, that no emails had reached me for the last few days, including hers. Now, the problem had accelerated and was impairing my daily flow of work. So, I did a little tech work of my own, reinstalled a few things and got it functioning. Not perfectly, but enough.

Now, it is two weeks later, more hours of self diagnosis, internet searches and mini solutions. And yes, today is the day I DECIDED. I called tech support, my “hero” Adrian is coming out tomorrow to fix my computer problems.

Sometimes, the maze of do it yourself is a smokescreen to actually deciding. Even when it was time to get help, I had another decision to make, who do I call?  Consider that procrastination is often just not deciding to go ahead.

So today….choose!

The song Money, Money, Money says, “All the things I could do, I’d be in a rich man’s world. ” I wonder how much truth there is to all the things I could do, you’ve heard of lottery winners losing it all within a few years. This is precisely because they haven’t changed their habits around money.

In reality, you can do anything you set your mind to and create a plan for, including bring in money. No, it most likely won’t come in a windfall, or a lottery winning. For most people it is from dedicated work, brilliant ideas, smart investing, and maybe even from generations before you who pass it down. What if you could change all that?

There are certain habits we have around money, mostly learned from our upbringing. There are ways we use our money and spend it. For example, do you buy used or new cars? Do you go to second hand stores or are you a person who must have the latest techno gadget no matter what it cost. Or how do you take care of money? Do you balance your checkbook, have retirement accounts, or a plan for your later years? With the high use of debit cards many people never even track their money other than to look at the balance.

“You best know which part of your business is bringing in the money or you’ll be out of business”, that’s what my Dad always said. He taught me how to examine the numbers of any business and use that analysis to make wise decisions to keep afloat and prospering. How are you doing in your business?

Then when the parameters are set by the court, it is the abusive who refuse to operate under the guidelines. This creates more havoc with children and visitation. Again, the system doesn’t have much recourse for those who bend the stipulations. If you are in a situation with an abuser then be sure you are working with the domestic abuse advocates from your county. There are support groups, shelters and many resources for victims of abuse.

Nevertheless, freedom is available from domestic abuse for anyone who is willing to take the steps and find the resources to help.  One great resource is http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com. This resource will help you determine if you are indeed in an abusive relationship and give you ideas of what to do to move forward.

Remember to have a safety plan for you and your children. The most difficult thing is to break free from patterns and the most violence occurs when a relationship is ending with an abuser. If fact, in divorce tempers flare and child exchanges are know to be catalysts for domestic violence incidences. Please be careful and use the resources available. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 800-799-7233.

1.    Mutual respect for one another

Give your partner personal space, for example one may be an early riser so if you happen to wake early, give them space and stay out of the way, don’t start a serious conversation in that time. Or their special time is between 3 and 4 pm and you arrive home early, respect their space and quietly enter and wait until after 4 to engage.

Accept your partner for who they are and who they aren’t and love them NOW.

2.    Share your needs with your partner

If someone doesn’t know your needs, how can they deliver what it is you want and expect in relationship? Let your need be known and then your partner will know how to please you.

3.    Remember what attracted you in the first place

There was some facet of the other person that fascinated you in the beginning. Keep your focus on that asset as it is still there and revel in your brilliant choice.

4.    Enjoy Togetherness

When you first dated there was special ways you connected. Keep sight of these magic moments and recreate them to add sparks to your relationship. For example, walking in the woods together is how many dates were spent. Now that you are married, remember to walk in the woods and re-ignite that spark.

5.    Fulfill your partner’s sexual desires

When you are able, (and sometimes even when you don’t feel like it) deliver what your partner loves. CHOOSE to give the gift of this to your partner. It is a selfless act and shows you care about their happiness.

6.    Compromise

A mutual concession to settle differences or a partial wavering of one’s principles allows the space for compromise. CHOOSE to just let go sometimes, in the spirit of the union. For example, the man preferred the bed to be made each day, it just pleased him when he came home. The woman made a habit of making the bed, just because, since she was the last one out in the morning, a simple compromise.

 7.    Share a common goal or dream

Act as comrades in obtaining mutually agreed upon milestones. Work together planning a future that breeds an environment of proceeding toward your dreams as a united team.

Remember to champion each other.

There are several types of messes in our daily lives such as:

1. A desk that is scattered with papers and you cannot see the desktop for the unopened mail, bills, kids papers from school and… where is that note with the guys phone number you were supposed to call about some work?

2. The pile of ironing that sits on the counter of the laundry room, week after week, and heck, now it’s fall and you can’t wear those summer shirts anymore.

3. It was really sweet, the kids made breakfast for you, it tasted great and then they ran off to the neighbors. Darn, how is it that they use every pan, get grease all over the stove, leave the milk out and even smear butter on the refrigerator?

4. The garden that grew weeds and now needs tending, each time you look out in your front yard you are reminded of your negligence.

5. The body that you let go when you did not find time to exercise, it feels like a mess now that is too big to solve.

6. The family mess because of a divorce -  angry, mixed up kids, loneliness, fear, stress and financial difficulties.

It’s all a matter of your viewpoint around these situations. None of these are any bother if you have a good perspective. Take the breakfast with the kids, it was really fun, all that joking while they were asking questions about how to fry the bacon and the laughing from the first four pieces that were burnt.  Being in the moment and enjoying life, that’s what counts. It makes the job of cleanup easy.

Or the changes caused by divorce or a job loss, it’s important not to beat yourself up about what happened. Get back up on the horse and find something new to bring aliveness to your life.

First, realize that it just takes baby steps to get some movement on any of these issues. Decide right now, which mess do you want to shift? Today, I chose the garden for starters as it could give me results in two areas above. First, the exercise from pulling all the weeds and hauling them down the hill to the compost, then the exercise of shoveling the wood chips. Great cardio and even some weight lifting.  When I was weeding I also got to reflect on how nice this garden will look and how much I can enjoy it each day.

You see, I like results. And with the garden, or any pile you have around the house. When you are done, there is the instant satisfaction of completion. No more piles, no more mess. So for today, pick one of your messes and decide now to take some action, just a baby step.
                                                                                

Maybe you are focused on caring for kids or tending to your work to provide for your family now that you are alone, trying to please everyone. Often times this can be a sign of codependency. When taking care of others is more important that taking care of yourself. You’ve seen this…the Mom who does everything for the kids, including half of their homework or the research for a project. Then they are tired and not present to their job the next day because they were up half the night, fixing or doing for someone else.

It’s critical to take care of yourself first, after that,  you are available to take care of others. Some of the most obvious ways to handle self care:

1. Get to bed on time and allow for 7 to 8 hours of sleep, you want to be well rested.

2. Eat healthy meals and a few snacks each day, nourish your body with food to provide energy to heal and your brain to function.

3. Drink at least 6 glasses of water a day so your body can perform its work of proper digestion, metabolism and restoration.

These are three simple ways to provide a foundation for you to operate as your best self. Take the time now to get started on feeling your best!

Another more damaging judgement is the one of judging yourself. It  may sound like this.

I should have …
I could have…
I would have…

You’ve heard it, shoulda, woulda, coulda.  Telling yourself these statements and then ruminating on them is self defeating. It wastes time and energy. What is important is that all of these are in the past. You already made a choice. You decided to do something and you did it. What value is there in going over it again and again? It is already done. This is your inner critic speaking.

Try this gentle exercise when you notice the inner critic sitting on your shoulder. Say, “Wow, I hear you ruminating about ______.   It’s time to quiet down now. I have made a choice to __________________. (fill in your new direction) and I know I am on the right path. Please encourage me and come along.  Thank you.

Rules and boundaries are most often confusing for kids living in two households because the rules seem to change at each home. Divorce complicates life for teenagers immensely.

Most adults have unique styles of raising kids, usually based upon how we were raised.  It may depend on whether our parents were strict, or carefree and who was in charge at our household, Mom or Dad, or both. Most teenagers are groping with their own identity and trying to adjust to life as a teenager, expectations are higher from parents and peers and there  may be new responsibilities. With a divorce in your family,  imagine  having to adjust to different rules each week or every few days. How tough would it be to try to please both parents when you can’t remember what is expected? Some people bring in a step parent or girlfriend/boyfriend. No wonder our kids are confused.

Remember, your job as a parent needs to be at the forefront even when you are going through a divorce and may be suffering emotionally. The kids still need you at your best and as a role model.

Give your kids a break. Work toward a consistent plan between both homes if you are co-parenting. The children will be better behaved and able to understand what is expected with consistent rules and boundaries around bedtime, video and tv time schedules and content, homework, chores, etc. I never allowed M game videos at my house and yet, they were allowed at the other household. It became a never ending discussion and my teen was certainly confused.  How to handle this is to just remind kids of the rules at your house. I made a chart that stated what behaviors were acceptable in my home and what the consequences were if these foundational issues were ignored.  Each kid knew where the chart was and if there was a discussion, it could be used to clarify the rules.

As kids become teens, they will go to work. At work, it is a whole new world for them with yet another set of rules. Shortly after he started, my teenage son came home from his job at the local hamburger joint and said he got yelled at. He was a little shocked.  I inquired for more details and he said it was because he was taking too long to clear the tables. He corrected his busing style and sped up his work right away. I was happy he knew the principle of doing a good job and completing his chores.

I decided to tackle the area under two huge pine trees and make it into a garden with hostas and other perennials. I transplanted hostas from the backyard and even my green thumb neighbors donated plants for my new plot. I worked diligently for two weeks. First, I had to prepare the soil and get rid of all the weeds.Then I planted and watered. I checked every day on the progress, watering and nurturing so that several of the flowers bloomed. Just looking at the garden gave me a real sense of progress and completion.

Then….I got busy. I ignored the garden, it got really hot and almost a month went by. Now, when I walked by, it was growing weeds between the flowers. You see, I hadn’t completed the job. I needed to lay down landscape cloth and finish with mulch.  Now today, there was more weeds than plants. I had to begin again, not to pick up where I left off, but go back to nearly the beginning. It took 3 hours and this time I’ll get the job complete.

Your divorce could be going just like this project, you think you are almost there, you admire the results, you’re feeling some relief, it’s almost done. And then…something shifts, the terms change, there isn’t as much money as you thought, the court date is set for four months out, mediation stalls, there is a request for papers that aren’t easy for you to find, etc. This is all normal and part of divorce. Sometimes, I got so discouraged in preparing for court, getting the papers almost together and then facing some big obstacle. The more I procrastinated the more I was upset and feeling anxious. It happened just like the garden. When I picked up the papers again to try to prepare for court, I had to work twice as hard to figure out where I left off.

It’s a decision to get complete. Today, I decided about the garden, yet, this decision needs to carry forward into several more steps until the mulch is in place (before there are new weeds). Same in divorce, if you decide to complete something, then go all the way and truly get it complete.

If NOW is your time to go through divorce, let’s talk about the risks. The reason so many people are fearful is that divorce touches the bottom rung of your basic needs in life. Basic needs like shelter, food, security and safety. It is a shakeup of the very foundation you have been operating from over the time of the marriage or relationship. The stability is crumbling and what are you left to stand on?  As humbling as it may be, you must pull out your greatest skills and strengths to remaster your life with a brand new foundation.

At Real Freedom NOW we help you figure out the details of who you are and who you want to be going forward. There is never a better time to change, well, you are forced into change in many aspects. You may have to move, change schools for the kids, downsize, get a job, change jobs, find a career, whoa….it is overwhelming and iis happening fast, whether you are ready or not.

The biggest risk is putting your head in the sand. What I mean is pretending….pretending that this will just turn out, somehow or that you don’t have much choice. You have every choice now available, many choices you have put off for years. What do you really want?  It’s seems a funny question, but less than a third of all people actually know what their true values are and have never considered making decisions from their core. Well, divorce is the slap in the face awakening, time to devote to reclaiming your SELF. Our Live With Courage Retreat will help you in three short days, quickly figure out all these complex issues about your inner self so that you can direct your life and be happier and healthier than before.