In many situations when people divorce there are stages of anger. Sometimes, it is immediate, as when you have just figured out that your spouse has cheated, or when the court case is dragging on and the outcome is not what you had hoped. Tempers flare and in a rage people say and do what isn’t kind, considerate or simply decent behavior.
Be careful and know when you are faced with a toxic person, complaining, blaming or draining are all signs of toxic behavior. Never go head-to-head with someone like this, you know it just sets them off. They will not rest until they get the better of you. It can turn into badgering and abuse. Some people use bullying and strong verbal interrogation to get their way. So, if that is the type of person you are dealing with, beware and prepare yourself.
Don’t let your buttons get pushed, instead refuse to engage. Stay calm and stop responding verbally, it is difficult to fight if the other party won’t engage. Take deep breaths to keep calm and stay rational. Decide on a strategy in advance, like removing yourself from the room, and especially not shouting back. Gently tell them that you’re hurt and let them know what you would prefer to happen. Gently now, be gracious. Tell them you need a break. Go in your room or lock yourself in the bathroom if you must to get calm. Take a breather. These are coping mechanisms and they work. Remember to practice the strategy the next time a fight begins.Focus on the future and not something that has already happened.
Another method is to change your reaction. I call it
Look Deep And Let Go:
Take a deep breath, let it go, look them in the eye, and then…pause.
Next, say something that will catch them off guard, something that gets them to reflect,
as simple as “Huh?
This can diffuse the situation, as can humor. Sometimes, with my teen, I actually start laughing. This humor catches him off guard and switches the focus, it is my signal not to engage.
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