Some divorces just don’t turn out how you would expect. It is so unfortunate for the children. After being married for almost 18 years, with kids that were 11 and 14, my marriage ended quickly and became adversarial, we were also in business together. My own circumstance left much to be desired for the two children who were deprived of an ongoing physical relationship with their father. This was due to a substance abuse issue. It was very difficult for the kids to understand the complexities and complications caused by the disease of substance abuse. Alcoholism or drug abuse is a serious issue that complicates divorce with a multitude of problems. It also caused the breakdown of communication and this fed the inability to work out any solution.
If you aren’t speaking, there is no opportunity for resolution or anything amicable. We tried many routes, collaboration was over after the first week, early court mediation, divorce mediation, email only, family email divorce sites to communicate, and third party communication. Nothing took the edge off the blame and anger. There was only litigation left. The two attorneys tried their best to figure out a very complex real estate portfolio and the custody but there was no choice but to let the courts decide. I was given sole physical custody and there was supervised visitation but the substances got in the way of his pride and there was no visitations, he would not agree to be supervised or to go to treatment. Instead, the kids just never saw him.
How do you handle a non-cooperative co-parent? Is it really co-parenting when there is no communication between the two parents? I learned that there are always two parents, whether one is active or not, their opinion, beliefs, attitudes and philosophy is present and accounted for. The children are a part of you and a part of your ex, no matter what the biological makeup. The children will vote the way your ex would in many cases. Get used to trying to parent from a two sided viewpoint even with no communication.
Being a single parent, without the support of the other parent is an arduous task. I put my career on hold as I had to help the kids adjust to a new life, a new community, new schools, new church, new friends, and a great big hole in their life that had been filled by their dad. One teen turned to drugs herself, while the youngest reeled in anger and misbehavior trying to gain some control over the turmoil.
Please try to figure out a way, somehow, somewhere, someway, for children of divorce to have two parents who are active in their lives. My wish for father’s day. There isn’t a child without a father, we all have dads.
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