Cancer and Divorce

I’m noticing some similarities in cancer and divorce. No, I’m not talking about the possibility of death from cancer being related to the feeling of dying inside from a pending divorce or the news of divorce delivered from your spouse. I am noting the similar reactions inside when faced with the news of cancer versus the news of divorce.

Recently, my BFF has been diagnosed with breast cancer, she is also a divorcee and a single parent. When illness strikes and you are single, the first thing to do is rally the troops. Your friends are usually the closest support system. So I stepped into action, the way a spouse would, with comfort, concern, care and kindness. Together, we discovered what to do, how to do it and then had to face the decisions that worked for her. These were the steps:

Shock

Is this really happening? Oh…it’s nothing, it will be fine. We’ve all had to go back for ultrasounds, no big deal. In the case of marriage, this may be shoving the signs of an affair under the rug, minimizing or discounting weird behavior, telling yourself it is nothing to be worried about.

Reality

Yes, there is a lump, a bump in the relationship, something that doesn’t feel right, an indiscretion, a gnawing at your heart that the love is stagnant, a moment when you admit to yourself it is no longer working to be with this person.

Acceptance - it is cancer, the Dr. called and said the word, the medical tests prove it. In marriage this may be the moment when your spouse says, “I am filing for divorce” or  when the papers are served and you read that a divorce action is filed. It may be when you tell the attorney to go ahead and serve the papers. It is happening and the divorce papers prove it.

Choices

Remove the lump or remove the breasts, yikes, both sound horrible, don’t want either of them. I went to the appointments with my BFF and we heard all about the details of full breast removal surgery, reconstruction and recovery. Then the details on radiation, chemo and all the speculation around the unknown. There would be no definitive answer until the surgery was performed and then the 3 day wait for the lab work before a true answer, did they get it all? Decisions had to be made without knowing the outcome.

Living In the Unknown

This is the time period when you have to move on and not know the outcome. A few days mulling over the choices, which type of surgery?  All the questions of what if…the same questions you may ask during divorce, what if the kids stay in the home, will I ever see them? Will I still be their dad? What will I do for money? Can I support myself and the kids? Who will help? Sometimes, we just have to decide, even when we don’t know what will happen, pick one.

Knowing

Some sign, or detail or information shows up. Maybe you talk to someone who has a similar issue, you find people who have survived your problem, and you accept that all there is to do is to live day by day. Somewhere in your heart, there is a knowing, a nudge to go ahead and live, just for today.